There's a soba tokoro next to the mountains in Itoshima, Fukuoka.
The dragon's tail end of Japan.

We went there when my daughter was 2 months, when she was 12 months old, 2 years old.
(Don't tell her, but we went without her when she was 3.)

Usually, when you order a bowl of soba, a bowl of soba is all you’d receive.

But at Yamazaki, they serve you a plate of seasonal entrees.
A piece of fruit.
For the kid - karaage, tempura, tamagoyaki.

Then they serve the noodles.

One slurp, and you want to stay at this stranger's hut forever.

It's my favourite place to eat in Japan, period.

Maybe I can bring you there one day.

My dream is to become a Kyushuu food guide after we retire, to scam the rich.

-

This is our second year of not being able to visit jijibaba's house because, well, you know why.

So I wondered if I could make soba myself.

You start with YouTube right?

I was watching this guy in a monk uniform making 100% soba from scratch. Like a dirty video - there's the volcano position, the ocean wave position, the chrysanthemum fold, the acorn....

Everything was going well until he mentioned he shuts his eyes when kneading because his ten fingers could feel 'the ten dimensions' of the soba.

Uh, hold up, I don't think that's how physics work.

I started to suspect if it's all for a show because not all soba noodles are made this way, right? There're factory packets everywhere. Dry versions, green tea versions, frozen versions... You're telling me a soba factory is just infinite rows of man naruto-ing in front of a bowl?

So I ran to the shop and bought some buckwheat flour, mixed it with normal flour at an 8:2 ratio at 50% hydration.

First, I tried using the pasta machine to knead.
Bad idea.
In the end, I spent more time cleaning the machine with toothpicks than making noodles.

Take two, I started flattening the dough with a rolling pin.
Each time I tried folding the dough, it would break.

My first reaction was to blame the soba flour.
It can't be me, it has to be this crappy Australian flour.
I need some of those special Japanese soba flour.

I almost believed myself, until I saw another Youtube video of another old man claiming they use Tasmanian flour for their soba.

...

Ok, so maybe geography is not the issue, but freshness.

Fresh is best.

This time, I bought actual buckwheat kernels (who buys this stuff usually anyway?) and toss them in the blender until they turn into dust. Sift and mix.

It doesn't get any fresher than this, right?
Wrong.
I couldn't even fold it.
The dough would break at the slightest pinch.
Like the final stretch of a pair of old leggings. (Don't ask.)

I asked the wife if she could find any tips on her version of the internet and she simply said:
you just need practice.

Not the answer I was looking for.

At the park, I asked another Japanese mum from kinder. She's savvy with 2chan or whatever.

She came back with:

1. Sift the flour;
2. Use plenty of flour to dust;
3. Soft water;
4. Add the water slowly, make sure the flour turn into pebbles before kneading;
5. Move fast, like a Ninja (urgh).

But the most insightful thing she said, came from a passing comment:

Japan is more humid than Australia, so maybe you should up the hydration.

WATER!

So I increased the hydration to 60% and even though it felt weird in the beginning, the dough was easier to work with.

I managed to roll it, fold it, cut it, cook it.

And it tasted like soba.

My only problem was the length.

The noodles would break down as they cooked. By the time it got into a bowl, they were more like basmati soba rice.

My daughter finished her portion out of kindness.

I wondered if I really had to sign up for some $300 soba-making workshop, to hear the instructor telling me to buy her book, her rolling pin, her sobako, her apron, and ultimately, to 'practise more'?

I even had my eyes on a $500 soba-making kit. But I know that the 1-meter board wouldn't get through customs. Definitely not that soba-cutting knife made in Wakanda. It'll just make pissing off the wife all the more dangerous.

So that's the low point of my week.

People of Melbourne were depressed over COVID lockdown, me over the length of my ... soba noodles.

My inability to defy some guy on Youtube who claims to knead soba in the 10th dimension.

-

Same park, same Japanese mum friend. Our kids were blowing bubbles.

She probably tried to cheer me up and said:

"You know what, all soba noodles probably break down anyway."

Have you seen House?

Remember how he'd always solve his cases at the final 10 minutes of each episode?

Because someone made a passing comment.

All soba noodles break down.

Everybody lies.

AN OPTICAL ILLUSION.

1-meter board does not maketh 1-meter noodles.

They use the 1-meter boards to roll the noodles, fold the dough twice, so the 1-meter noodles would break down into shorter, but still 25cm noodles.

I dashed home, ignored the traditional square format and rolled the dough into a long rectangle, and ran it through the pasta cutter.

Very long noodles, into the pot, broken into normal noodles.

This time, my daughter asked for seconds.

The wife asked if I'm going to make the stock to go with it, I pretended to be occupied.

Tsuyu, water and ice as dipping sauce are fine for now.